Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
