if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
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I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
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Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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