so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
