Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
