the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
