I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
