all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Randomize
