omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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