four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
