Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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