sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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