Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
