Already got asked if we're dating
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
