dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
