You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
