She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
dude. I can hear the air.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
