I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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