I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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