So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
