my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
