i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
