I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
