i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
