he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
