Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
