Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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