He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Acid is not a monday night drug
He told me they were just razor bumps!
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
