he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
