im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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