i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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