Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
