9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
