hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
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I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
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I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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