Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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