Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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