I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You can't just leave with hair like that
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
