tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
