There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
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you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
No I am not eating basil off your cock
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Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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