i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
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