Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
