You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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