Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
