so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
