i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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