seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
