worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
