come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Randomize
