i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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