Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
