Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I had to cum in my sink.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
