Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
