Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
