I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
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I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
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Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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