my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
