The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
