so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
