Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
