im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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