We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
