I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The power of my boobs compel you
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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