so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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